Jerry: Why don’t we do nifty things like tar and feather people anymore?
Me: It must have been awesome to live in a time when you could be executed simply because bunch of people wanted you dead. Those were heady times. No, beheady times.

Anon: You have to put your foot down, or he’s going to make you his bitch. You’ll suffer in silence until one day you just storm in here and blow him away with a gat. Though I think you’d probably MacGyver his death. You’ll be like “Your honor, he just happened to stick a fork into a toaster hooked up to three-phase power while standing in a bathtub! Honest!”

Laura: EWW
Me: And hello to you too.

Becka: That makes you sounds like a stupid.
Me: Good thing you don’t sound like “a stupid”.
Becka: Good thing YOU don’t sound like a stupid!

Becka: Let’s talk at the same time for a minute
Me: What do you -
Becka: We just had a contemporaneous moment!

Anon: I’m a commitophile with severe execution difficulties.

This is the funniest thing I’ve read all day:

So many comments by analysts and armchair politicians seems to reflect a certain mindset that Google is so blindingly stupid that they bought YouTube for 1.65 billion after a six-week bender, and now their lawyers are crapping their Dockers screaming “oh crap, I forgot! We could get sued!”

Indeed. Remember that Google is full of people who are mostly smarter than you could ever dream of becoming. As is Microsoft. And Apple. And Pixar. Just not the executive branch of the US goverment.

Dang, today is doing well! Quoth Pitchfork:

Ever since The Joshua Tree, way too many bands have tried matching the self-proclaiming transcendence that plenty of otherwise reasonable people find in U2 anthems. New Fat Cat signees the Twilight Sad do to every would-be “With or Without You” what Jimi Hendrix did to “The Star-Spangled Banner”.

I love whoever wrote that with all my heart.

What is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is. What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated.

This is how life goes - we send our children into the wilderness. Some of them on the day they are born, it seems, for all the help we can give them. Some of them seem to be a kind of wilderness unto themselves. But there must be angels there, too, and springs of water. Even that wilderness, the very habitation of jackals, is the Lord’s. I need to bear this in mind.

From “Gilead” by Marilynne Robinson.

…it would be better merely to suffer as I had in the past, when other people I loved had left me. I would be better just to lick my wounds, as I had also done in the past. For a while, I’ll think obsessively about her, I’ll become embittered … I’ll try to justify what happened, spend days and night reviewing every moment spent by her side … When I walk down the street, I’ll keep seeing women who could be her. I’ll suffer day and night, night and day. This could take weeks, months, possibly a year or more.

Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about someone else, and then I’ll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive …

I want to believe that it is wonderful to be free. Free again. Ready to find my one true love, who is waiting for me and who will never allow me to experience such humiliation again.

Masterful. The quote is from Paulo Coelho’s latest book, The Zahir. It is also complete bullshit.

I finally figured out what bothered me so much about you. It’s the way you’re so concerned about protecting yourself. I mean, no one … has a bad thing to say about you; and I’m guessing that’s because you’re so careful not to rub anyone the wrong way.

“I am more than the sum of my addictions; I am more than blind reaction to circumstances; but I am still human.” ~ Ian von Graaf

“Perennial human problem: self deception … God looks down at the world and says, ‘They’re not that smart.’ … what he says is if you’re one of these sneaky, super-smart, always manipulating situations to get your way kind of person, God takes special delight in jacking with you. That’s what he says … he knows what you’re thinking. And if you think you’re smarter than he is? You’re wrong.” ~ Mark Driscoll (does this guy know me or something?)

Becka: “I’ve got a headache in my eye!”

Anonymous: “Relationships are great, but sometimes they suck. Like right now, it sucks. I mean, it’s amazing, but it sucks, you know?”

Stu (with little yellow forklift): “This is a fifteen hundred pound machine.”
Me: “Don’t drop it.”

Me: “No, really Steve, that $88 goes towards us flushing the toilet every day. It’s called ‘overhead’ ironically enough.”