Cow-orker: “So and so really took that ‘Life 101′ course, the one run by those guys from Venus.”
Other cow-orker: “Too bad he failed.”

• A choice of masters isn’t freedom.
• Credit is newspeak for debt.
• The easiest solution is sometimes to stop looking for the easiest solution.
• Privacy is an impediment to profit.
• Anyone who cannot distinguish between “not private” and “under constant surveillance” is an idiot.
• A lot of people who are against subsidizing public transportation seem to conveniently ignore the fact that we are already subsidizing private transportation.
• The world is watching America… and America is watching TV

Thanks to RMS, nagora, Valdrax, Anonymous Coward, benhocking, and Anonymous Coward

Source

Now, I would never say that Islam is not a religion of peace. Because if you do, they’ll kill you. It’s a religion of peace. There’s a piece of you there. There’s a piece of you over there. But, this little tiff between the Crips and the Bloods over there that’s been going on since 632 A.D., and there are only so many times you can turn the corner before you realize you’re going in circles.

Source

Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn’t asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he’s asked us to sacrifice something enormous. Our civil rights. … So -so when it comes to sacrifice, don’t kid yourself. You have given up a lot. You’ve given up faith in your government’s honesty, the goodwill of people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights. Here’s what you’ve sacrificed: search and seizure, warrants, self-incrimination, trial by jury, cruel and unusual punishment. Here’s what you have left: hand guns, religion, and they can’t make you quarter a British soldier. If Prince Harry invades the Inland Empire, he has to bring a tent.

“I put baby butt cream on my hands, but I don’t think it’s working ’cause my hands are a weird colour of blue…”

Becka: What are those tubes in your ears? F-something.
Me: You mean Eustachian tubes.
Becka: Yeah those.
Me: You’ve confused them with fallopian tubes.
Becka: Pervert!
Me: What have you been doing with your ears?

Lisa: You’re rude.
Me: You’re ugly.

Becka: I don’t like him.
Me: Why are you laughing, then?
Becka: Ask me if I like him and see if I laugh.
Me: Do you like him?
Becka: *laughs like a hyena*

Becka: I can’t help it that I was born into the trappings of aristocracy.

Me: Your chicken-scratch scribbles don’t impress me.
Becka: But they impress other people!
Me: You mean… CHICKENS?

Anonymous: With that sort of music, no wonder Germany’s recent cultural heritage is the Holocaust.

Thomas Carlyle: No sadder proof can be given by a man of his own littleness than disbelief in great men.

Me: Is it possible that you ask me the same question three times after I tell you I don’t know simply because you find it ridiculous that I wouldn’t know it?
Joanna: No, she finds it so exhillarating that she has to say it over and over.

Becka: I need a name, not just a word.
Me: Brick. Tree. Car. Dunkin Donuts.

Becka: Why are you using the words “technological singularity” around me? Is it because I’m single? Technologically?!?

Becka: I don’t use that kind of packing paper. That’s my policy.
Me: You don’t get to make policy. That’s my policy.

Eric Schmidt: When the network becomes as fast as the processor, the computer hollows out and spreads across the network.

Courtesy of BadAnalogyGuy, here’s the best-written comments I have ever seen on Slashdot, with the best punchline I’ve seen anywhere for a long time.

Becka: Round to the lowest common denominator! I don’t like you. Leave.

Becka: Where do I put this?
Me: Here.
Becka: Maybe you should have a little bin.
Me: Or maybe YOU should have a little bin.
Becka: What about this: you should have a little bin.
Me: Or perhaps - and I’m just throwing this out there - you should have a little bin.
Becka: Or we could both have a little bin.
Me: Or we could swing it that you have a little bin.
Becka: I think we’re going around in circles here.

I don’t quite know how to say how I feel.
Those three words are said too much.
They’re not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here,
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Me: You may call me, “Dan the Conqueror”.
Steve: We’ll add it to the long list of things we already call you.

Steve: What does big stong man type mean?
Me: It’s what I am.
Steve: Stong? What does that mean?
Me: It’s evidence that big strong man types are generally illiterate.
Steve: I love it when you make spelling mstakes!
Me: So does everyone, apparently.
Steve: Its as exhilarating as catching the annoying teachers pet wearing outdoor shoes in the gymnasium!

Dave: I heard Kari got drunk at the Mexican MTV Video Awards and stormed on stage during J-Lo’s performance.

Steve: This is a wise and faithful saying - “You can always tell the importance of a man by the size of the paper shredder sitting beside his desk.”

This is a /. comment.

This is another ./ comment.

Joanna: Say toast ten times really fast.
Me: No.
Becka: Toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast.
Joanna: What do you put in a toaster?
Becka: Toast!
Me: Bread.
Joanna: You’re too smart.
Me: I’ve heard it before.
Becka: So have I!

Steve: [singing] I want to praise you… I want to praise you… I want to pra-pra-praprprprprprpraise you…
Me: You’re singing me a lovesong by Fatboy Slim?

Becka: Guess what I got!
Me: A giant pen?
Becka: Yes!
Me: That’s hilarious.
Becka: Why?
Me: Just… a girl with a giant pen.
Becka: Girls can have giant pens too!

Steve: This workplace has its peculiarities. Like one grown man giving another grown man a stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh doll for a birthday gift. And the like.

Steve: It’s the way we operate, I guess. Everyone’s used to me being so awesome.

Beardo the Bearded: Should we show the Diebold Documentary?
Yes: 25%
No: 21%
Republican: 54%

Me: Piss off.
Becka: Yourself.
Me: Your mom.
Becka: Your dad.
Me: Your genealogy and future generations.
Becka: Your infinity and beyond!

Laura: I LOVE post-its. We have come to an impasse.

Adriene: Ah, Bobbitt complaining about women and Dan trying to sort-of pimp out his sisters. Seems like old times!

Becka: Want to hear something disturbing? Apparently I’m missing out on life because I can’t cure this headache by having sex.

Becka: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Becka: Lemon.
Me: Lemon who?
Becka: Lemonade.

Me: Wow, that’s like an online collaborative tool, except that it’s not online, collaborative, or a tool.
Lisa: It’s a fridge. With magnets. And you’re a tool.

Becka: I don’t need a pimp!