There are quite a few things that you may know, and quite a few things you may not know. Here are ten things you may not know about our local administrative genius and wemaster extrordinaire, Geof Morris.

1. Geof Morris’ thoughts cannot be understood because Geof Morris thinks in 256-bit Twofish. As a result, Geof Morris is never involved in collisions.
2. Geof Morris is the internet killswitch. His vital signs are connected via relays to the secret centre of the internet; if he dies, it all goes dark.
3. Geof Morris is the seventh of nine clones. The other eight, however, are in geosynchronous orbit.
4. Geof Morris is 70% android and 90% human. This is possible because he exists in 11 dimensions.
5. The Sphinx is an ancient model of Geof Morris, back when he was in beta 5,000 years ago. He has been refactored 100 times since then.
6. Geof Morris was originally written in Lisp. When Geof Morris discovered this fact he flew into a rage and spent 67 years bending all the (parentheses) in his source code into [box brackets].
7. Geof Morris can count prime numbers past Graham’s number, and can do it in binary, base-10, and hexadecimal.
8. Geof Morris doesn’t run Linux. He runs CP/M, thank you very much.
9. You can build your own Geof Morris in your garage from parts found in scrap metal shops. However, in order to finish the job, you’ll have to break into the Smithsonian and steal the Apollo 11 Command Module, which furnishes his processing power.
10. Geof Morris roundhouse-kicked Chuck Norris so hard Chuck has his own solar orbit. And all poor Chuck did is spell Geof’s name “Geoff”.

Hope you enjoy that list.

Cow-orker: “So and so really took that ‘Life 101′ course, the one run by those guys from Venus.”
Other cow-orker: “Too bad he failed.”

You know what Microsoft should include with Windows? A convenient tool to download Firefox! Something you, say, just can’t uninstall, so when you need to download Firefox again for whatever reason, the convenient tool is just… there.

I’m just torn about what to call this tool. Something to do with the internet… something with a little more punch than Firefox Downloader… I’ve got it! We’ll call this tool, “Internet Explorer”!

I’m going to go down in history for this one.

Thanks to TheLink for this. When something goes wrong on an Microsoft system, such as a Windows server, here is a basic check-list to run through. It should take care of… well, lots of things.

1) Retry
2) Restart
3) Reboot
4) Reconfigure
5) Repatch
6) Reinstall (application)
7) Reformat
8) Rebuild (system and application)
9) Retry (everything from #1 to #8)
10) Relinquish / Reassign / Reject (project or task)
11) Resign
12) Résumé

I’ve made a derivative list for Gentoo, should anyone be interested.

1) Recompile
2) Recompile
3) Recompile
4) Recompile
5) Recompile
6) Recompile
7) Recompile
8) Recompile
9) Recompile
10) Recompile
11) Recompile
12) Recompile kernel

Funny story. In church on Sunday someone said, “Yadda yadda yadda is in your mail slots.” I can’t remember what it was, except that it made me curious. So I go over to my mail slot–they put lots of literature and stuff in there–and am confused.

You see, each mail slot is part of a shelf, and each shelf is labelled with a name, except for the top and bottom (which are, of course, the enclosure that forms the shelf), so you can see the problem. There is an extra slot in there that’s not labelled, making finding your slot somewhat ambiguous. Is it the slot above or below the label? You never really know. I choose to believe that it’s the slot below the label, because people keep putting stuff in there.

But this Sunday, there was stuff in all the slots, meaning someone is confused. At that point it was me. Because there, on the shelf below my name, is my Bible, and on the shelf above my name is a bunch of tapes. So I say to Mr Hamstra, who is standing there also grabbing stuff from his slot, “Which of these slots is mine? And why would anybody give me tapes?”

Mr Hamstra says, “Well, maybe somebody thinks you need them!”

So I pull the first couple of tapes out, and lo and behold they are titled, “Grumbling” and for the pièce de résistance, “Church Discipline”.

As a post-script, I don’t actually think they were meant for me, and if they were, I don’t own anything capable of playing a cassette, so I guess we’re SOL on that one.

Now, I will end this post by complaining and grumbling about the people who ambiguously labelled those shelves. I mean, come on. Gah! It’s terrible! I AM GOING TO FORM A NEW DENOMINATION NOW.

Becka: What are those tubes in your ears? F-something.
Me: You mean Eustachian tubes.
Becka: Yeah those.
Me: You’ve confused them with fallopian tubes.
Becka: Pervert!
Me: What have you been doing with your ears?

Lisa: You’re rude.
Me: You’re ugly.

Becka: I don’t like him.
Me: Why are you laughing, then?
Becka: Ask me if I like him and see if I laugh.
Me: Do you like him?
Becka: *laughs like a hyena*

Becka: I can’t help it that I was born into the trappings of aristocracy.

Me: Your chicken-scratch scribbles don’t impress me.
Becka: But they impress other people!
Me: You mean… CHICKENS?

Anonymous: With that sort of music, no wonder Germany’s recent cultural heritage is the Holocaust.

Thomas Carlyle: No sadder proof can be given by a man of his own littleness than disbelief in great men.

Me: Is it possible that you ask me the same question three times after I tell you I don’t know simply because you find it ridiculous that I wouldn’t know it?
Joanna: No, she finds it so exhillarating that she has to say it over and over.

Becka: I need a name, not just a word.
Me: Brick. Tree. Car. Dunkin Donuts.

Becka: Why are you using the words “technological singularity” around me? Is it because I’m single? Technologically?!?

Becka: I don’t use that kind of packing paper. That’s my policy.
Me: You don’t get to make policy. That’s my policy.

Eric Schmidt: When the network becomes as fast as the processor, the computer hollows out and spreads across the network.

Courtesy of BadAnalogyGuy, here’s the best-written comments I have ever seen on Slashdot, with the best punchline I’ve seen anywhere for a long time.

Becka: Round to the lowest common denominator! I don’t like you. Leave.

Becka: Where do I put this?
Me: Here.
Becka: Maybe you should have a little bin.
Me: Or maybe YOU should have a little bin.
Becka: What about this: you should have a little bin.
Me: Or perhaps - and I’m just throwing this out there - you should have a little bin.
Becka: Or we could both have a little bin.
Me: Or we could swing it that you have a little bin.
Becka: I think we’re going around in circles here.

Me: You may call me, “Dan the Conqueror”.
Steve: We’ll add it to the long list of things we already call you.

Steve: What does big stong man type mean?
Me: It’s what I am.
Steve: Stong? What does that mean?
Me: It’s evidence that big strong man types are generally illiterate.
Steve: I love it when you make spelling mstakes!
Me: So does everyone, apparently.
Steve: Its as exhilarating as catching the annoying teachers pet wearing outdoor shoes in the gymnasium!

Dave: I heard Kari got drunk at the Mexican MTV Video Awards and stormed on stage during J-Lo’s performance.

Steve: This is a wise and faithful saying - “You can always tell the importance of a man by the size of the paper shredder sitting beside his desk.”

This is a /. comment.

This is another ./ comment.

Joanna: Say toast ten times really fast.
Me: No.
Becka: Toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast.
Joanna: What do you put in a toaster?
Becka: Toast!
Me: Bread.
Joanna: You’re too smart.
Me: I’ve heard it before.
Becka: So have I!

Steve: [singing] I want to praise you… I want to praise you… I want to pra-pra-praprprprprprpraise you…
Me: You’re singing me a lovesong by Fatboy Slim?

Becka: Guess what I got!
Me: A giant pen?
Becka: Yes!
Me: That’s hilarious.
Becka: Why?
Me: Just… a girl with a giant pen.
Becka: Girls can have giant pens too!

Steve: This workplace has its peculiarities. Like one grown man giving another grown man a stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh doll for a birthday gift. And the like.

Steve: It’s the way we operate, I guess. Everyone’s used to me being so awesome.

Beardo the Bearded: Should we show the Diebold Documentary?
Yes: 25%
No: 21%
Republican: 54%

Me: Piss off.
Becka: Yourself.
Me: Your mom.
Becka: Your dad.
Me: Your genealogy and future generations.
Becka: Your infinity and beyond!

I’ve been completely spun around and dropped on my butt. Gosh.