To me, evolution is a troubling theory. Not because of its theological ramifications, but mostly because of the anthropological repercussions, should it be proven true by a hyper-evolved human being (no, not me, silly).

Think about it for a second - Darwin, after having too many shots of tequila, came up with a theory that says that most “living” things aren’t living at all: in fact, there are only four truly “living” creatures. These are 1) The mosquito, 2) The frog, 3) The monkey, and 4) Most human beings. The mosquito evolved into the frog because it had body issues (bullemia, if I recall correctly) and also because it did nothing but sit around and collect welfare checks and drink Coors Light - or was it sucking the blood out of other beings? Well, that’s neither here nor there. The frog in its turn evolved into the monkey because bananas were on all the high trees and there really was no way for a frog to get a banana without becoming a monkey. The monkey evolved into a human so it could use the internet and not get banana guck between the keyboard keys.

I believe this is still a theory, this evolution thing, even though it’s almost certainly true. Let me ask you a question: have you ever seen an old monkey? Hah! No you haven’t - monkeys evolve into humans over their lifetime and that’s why you’ve never seen an old one.

Further proof is in the four categories of humans that exist on this world. Evolution must be true because there are people that act like the creatures they evolved from:

1) The bloodsucker sits around all day spending his or her welfare check on Coors Light and really bad American cigarettes. They prey off the stronger members of society, and they drink Coors Light. I know, I already said that several times, but I fell strongly the need to justify slapping these sorts of people against your arm really hard until there’s just a bloody smear.

2) There’s always this guy with a really loud muffler by my place trying to pick up chicks. There’s a law in there too: the intelligence of the girl you will pick up is inversely related to the decibel level and size of your muffler. And when I say “muffler”, I mean “muffler”. Go figure. These types are like a frog sitting on a lillypad going “hey watch me puff my neck sac out to gargantuan proportions!” while all the female frogs go “oh wow, like, look at that huge neck sac… it’s so saxy!” Of course, she’s going to look like his neck sac after having all his tadpoles, but no one has the grace to tell her that she’s going to end up sitting on the couch drinking Coor’s Light… no, wait, that creates a recursive devolution circuit and oh dear I just fried my brain.

3) Have you ever noticed that kid that always seems to be on the roof instead of on the floor? Well have you noticed how he still hasn’t grown out of that? Yeah. Funny. It’s my wedding; get out the cake already. Well, this guy acts like a clown until he gets old. Then he turns into a:

4) Human. Capable of using computers and surfing the InterWeb ™ and sending emails to people who are unfortunately suffering through AOL. (I am a “human”.)

But the problem I pose for you is this: what if monkeys decide to stop evolving into humans and instead evolve into computers? What will we do? Computers are clearly superior to humans (except Windows computers, which are superior to a candy bar as long as the candy bar doesn’t have nuts in it, in which case Windows starts crying like a small child that hasn’t been given a candy bar, unless it has nuts in it, in which case it doesn’t care, because it would just throw the nuts out the windows anyways), so what’s to stop a monkey from evolving into a computer?

Think about that for a second. This Darwin fellow, he was a troublemaker.

Dan (Um. Yeah. CAFFIENE!)

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