Okay, fellows. Here we are. You’ve all survived parts one and two, and roughly ten percent of you still have no idea what I’m talking about. If you’re one of these, I suggest you devote your life to taxidermy. And for the rest of you, well, if you were hoping that this last installment is going to make it all crystal clear, welcome to the world of dating: nothing, absolutely nothing, is clear.

Wading into the world of dating is sort of like walking into a burning building. You either die, get burned horribly, decide your lung can’t take it and leave, or walk out a hero. And, since we’ve already mentioned percentages, here’s how it all breaks down: 30% chance you will die, 90% chance you’ll be horribly burned, 37% chance you’re a coward, and approximately 20% you’ll walk out a hero. Now, some of you are engineers, and you’re about to tell me the figures don’t add up. But see what I mean? It’s just not clear.

Also, engineers, most of the world doesn’t make sense, and it helps if you accept that and resist the urge to get out Autocad and start a schematic. The schematic of the female mind, for instance, vaguely resembles a plate of spaghetti wrapped in string with a large helping of duct tape and barbed wire. And, if you manage to map it all out, you’ll be seventy-five, and still won’t have that woman you’re looking for. Or if you actually read what I wrote instead of browsing over it quickly while listening to Radiohead and reading Slashdot, the woman you are casually, oh so casually glancing for.

So here’s a quick recap of where we’ve been so far. We’ve covered the field of dating in large brush strokes. What to expect of women, and what this all has to do with wombats. Did that make sense? No? Good, because you’re going to get a lot of that. We also covered what women like in their men. Okay, I pointed out a few things, and there will always be exceptions, but don’t worry about that, because those girls live in refrigerator boxes, or devote their lives to taxidermy.

Today we’re going to wade into that minefield of what you probably want in a girl. And let me start by saying that the thing you want most in a girl, is a girl. In these modern times, depending on the circles you travel in, the girl you think is so hot may either be a transvestite, or an Italian male. This is not a good thing. Hence, it’s a bad thing. And on that somewhat disturbing note, I begin.

1. You’re ugly. Face it. Males weren’t meant to look good, except the ones in undergarment commercials, and I wasn’t meant to say they look good. But that doesn’t really matter - much. It’s safe to say, however, that men generally settle on the level of attractiveness that they themselves posess, except that a woman can get away with not looking like a bottle of pickels a whole lot better than you can. Considering that females are generally attractive. You may end up with a girl that makes Mona Lisa look like the Charmin bear, but let’s face reality here. It isn’t likely. Just because it happened to me with my last relationship doesn’t mean it’s going to happen to you. Got it?

2. Besides, it doesn’t really matter. If your woman isn’t the prettiest or hottest thing on the planet, so what? As long as you’ve got some sort of attraction to her, things will probably end up just fine. Because at the end of the day you’re both going to look like the rear end of an elephant, at which point you’ll be glad you chose the elephant that doesn’t eat beans. By this, I mean that character should score some big points in your books. Your girlfriend should be the Shaq or the Jordan of character, or at least the Shrek of character. Not the Rodman or Farquad of character. Pop culture references aside, this is pretty much all you need to know.

3. Let’s roll with the character train, shall we? Some things you’ll probably want are a spirit of acceptance, forgiveness, and a certain amount of ass-kicking, because you as a male need all these things. You have these things we like to call “foibles” and women like to call “annoyances” that need places to fit. You will do and say stupid things to her, her parents, and puppies. You will need you ass kicked. Also, that can be fun.

4. Don’t listen to people who say you need an opposite character to you. If your girlfriend is the direct opposite of you, you’ll end up hating her, unless you’re a total numbskull, in which case she’ll hate you. You want some common interests, some common points of view, and just a few things different enough to keep you and her interested. For instance, both playing hockey is a good thing. A shared interest. On the other hand, if you’re both kleptomaniacs, you’re not going to be able to help eachother become better people, are you? That’s because you’ll always be stealing eachother’s stuff. Also, pyromaniacs, stay away from eachother. Heck, anything that involved the word “maniac” is probably a bad idea.

5. Don’t get involved with career women, or women that don’t know what they want. Or women that still love former boyfriends. Or women with crazy fathers who don’t speak a word of English. Or women with older brothers who make you look bad. Or women with pet tigers. These things all speak D. E. A. T. H. to your chances of going anywhere, okay? Girls who don’t know what they want will eventually figure out it’s not you; girls that love former boyfriends will break up with you and start dating their former boyfriend even though he’s a skank; women with crazy fathers, well, you figure it out, Gregor Mendel; and women with The Perfect Older Brother will inevitably dump you because you just don’t match up, you cad. You probably want a woman who’s independant, but not too independant and doesn’t have a whole lot of baggage going into the relationship. That’s negotiable, of course, but if you do happen to want a co-dependant woman, I’d suggest you just move back in with your parents and call it a day.

6. Women with interests are a priceless and rare commodity. Really. A lot of girls are content to live their life putting on makeup and calling it a hobby, but let me tell you how interesting makeup is: yaaaaaaaaawn. Okay, point made. If your woman has interests, chances are she’s an interesting person, except when that interest is exclusively knitting, but even then you have a chance, especially if she calls her knitting “art” and it stands up on its own. Interesting girls, guys. Don’t just settle for someone you can put on your mantle beside the bowling trophy. It also helps if one of her interests is “you”. Really.

7. Does this girl laugh at a good joke? Good, because you probably resemble a good joke, but if she’s laugh with or even at you, it’s not a bad thing. A sense of humour is critical, because one day you’ll find this llama in your living room, and when it spits at you, she’s either going to split a side or get mad at the thing for ruining the carpet. Again, this is just an analogy, although it’s been known to happen.

8. This, my gentleman friends, is the most important thing of all (not counting, of course, that she’s a Christian and has a nice set of Godly assets). She must like you. If you’re just the latest thing to come around, or if she’s with you - heaven forbid - because you’re pretty, this thing ain’t gonna last, pardner. The girl, the woman of your dreams, must must must must must be interested back. Otherwise, convince her somehow that she should, or move on to other things, like a good single malted Scotch. Thank you.

And that, guys and gals, is just about it. I’ve exhausted my supply of witty things to say about females. The rest of it’s just bitterness and cynicism.

A word to the wise, however. You’re not going to follow any of my suggestions. You’re going to make an ass out of yourself. It’s probably not going to work. You’re going to end up broken and weeping uncontrollably while watching Sleepless in Seattle. But you’re going to try, darn it! Now - get out there. Make me proud by falling on your face.

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