Lisa: When you’re on a diet, eating crap is a good thing to do.

Becka: I love tubing.
Me: That’s why we pay you the big bucks.
Becka: I’ll get out of this hole one day.
Me: We all say that.
Becka: I’m going to travel the world and stuff.
Me: Ironic. The person that’s paying you to work in this hole is probably going to pay for your trips around the world.
Becka: It’s just because I’m a good daughter.
Me: Trust you and Kristin to turn being a good daughter into a business.

Anonymous: Don’t get in my way, or I’ll give you a tapeworm… mouth to mouth.

Steve: Jerry hasn’t done the coffee run yet, has he.
Me: No. These are desperate times.
Steve: Desperate times indeed.
Me: So what are you going to do about it?
Steve: Stand around and whine.
Me: How very post-modern of you.

Me: Exciting… you’re officially in charge of making that part round and smaller — at the same time.
Stu: It’s nice; it gives me time to think.
Me: Let me see, what would I think about if I were you? … Food.
Stu: Woman.
Me: Nope, definitely food.
Stu: Cars.
Me: Definitely food.
Stu: Boolean mathematics.
Me: Calculus!
Stu: [does some rapid calculations with his finger] Eureka!
Me: I’ve solved the universe! The answer is… 9.

Steve: I guess you’ve never heard of George Michael, then.
Me: I’ve heard of him, I’ve just never heard him. Aren’t his songs all about sex?
Steve: All of them except the song “I Want Your Sex”. That wasn’t about sex.
Me: It must have been about furniture.
Steve: I think so.

Me: I heard this saying: “Not all who are of Italy are of Italy.” But I like to think of it as, “Not all who are not of Italy are not not of Italy.”

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