Laura Malloy is a cutie, and that’s all there is to it.

Let me let you in on a little secret: Laura Malloy is a cutie. Now, you may be thinking, “Well, yes, but so is my Scottish Terrier.” But Miss Malloy isn’t a cutie in the Dog sense, but in the Girl sense. That is to say, she has adorable tendencies to break out in fits of Cuteness in places you wouldn’t expect to find Cuteness, like a movie theatre parking lot, or Shoppers Drugmart.

You want me to explain? Alright. Laura Malloy likes to wear hip clothing of the GRRRRRLLLL POWER variety in public. We’ve all seen it, and it’s powerful. It’s the sort of clothing that makes the wearer invincible to things like Hugs and Affection. Sometimes Miss Malloy is seen wearing t-shirts with slogans on them like, “If you so much as touch me, you horrible man-demon, I will make sure you never have children for the rest of your life, and let me tell you, that’ll be doing mankind a huge favor.” These are not the slogans of a Cutie.

You, however, are seeing only one side of the dime that is Miss Malloy. You’re seeing the superhero denying spandex. What you don’t get to look at, hopefully, is the Cutie side. That’s right. When she gets home from work or Conquering the World, or whatever else it is that Miss Malloy does on a regular basis, she slips on her pink fuzzy bunny slippers, dabs green face masque on her face (duh), lights candles, and sits down with a good cup of herbal tea to read Nick Hornby novels. Sometimes she takes bubble baths — though this is mere rumour — with mountains of strawberry-smelling bubbles that spill over the side of the tub, where she relaxes reading Nick Hornby novels, or the occasional Harlequin romance novel.

Another thing about Miss Malloy’s Cutie side is that it likes flowers. Really. It likes white flowers that come in bundles that are given to her by boys. Now, this in and of itself is unremarkable, except for the “boys” bit. You know how it is in all those horrid romance movies I swear I’ve never watched: invincible superhero girl falls in love with geeky square-rimmed-glasses emo boy? It’s like that. Miss Malloy tries to deny it vigorously by posting images of Gay Hollywood Stars on her blog, but to no avail. Her geeky corduroy-wearing emo boy is somewhere in this world, ready to meet her under Nick Hornby-like circumstances.

There you have it. Irrefutable proof in the form of refutable slander that Miss Laura Malloy is indeed a Bonified Cutie. If you want to go somewhere to detect subtle hits of her Cutieness, read her blog, which you can get to by looking over at the sidebar to your left. Left is that way. —->

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Posted January 18th, 2005 in main.

9 comments:

  1. Philosopher king:

    If by slander you mean the truth, then .. yes..

    [ I am the second witness, now dax and I have to be put under witness protection lest we find ourselves in the state of dead. ]

    January 18th, 2005 at 10:26 am
  2. Scatterfingers:

    This is what I’m saying. It’s all about small fuzzy animals, boyez, and pink flowers. Also, bubble baths.

    January 18th, 2005 at 12:20 pm
  3. Laurs:

    How’d you know about my small fuzzy teddies?
    And the strawberry suds?!
    Flip sake boy.. get outta my head.

    January 18th, 2005 at 1:20 pm
  4. Scatterfingers:

    Uh… I never said anything about the teddies. I tend to make this a PG-13ish blog that almost anyone except the Knor’s filtered *dumb* tv can *freaking* read *oh my goodness*.

    January 18th, 2005 at 1:35 pm
  5. Laurs:

    Do you talk everywhere but msn these days?

    January 18th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
  6. Scatterfingers:

    I haven’t been on MSN for an age and a half. I have so much to do… I get a 1/2 hour every day on the drums, write on the blog, get in 11 hours of work, take care of the house and fish and houseplants, surf around a bit, play some Tony Hawk, do devos and it’s all over. No time for MSN in there… :)

    January 18th, 2005 at 2:00 pm
  7. Laurs:

    I have to say that blogg was BERRY INFORMATIVE (dunno if you do the edge?).. but yeh.. I laughed pretty good like!

    January 18th, 2005 at 2:03 pm
  8. Laurs:

    Can I just ask.. WHERE did that blogg come from!?
    What.. we haven’t chatted in DONKEYS AGES.. an then.. THAT?

    Raaaaaandom

    January 18th, 2005 at 4:03 pm
  9. Anonymous:

    Wow, Dax. That was mighty informative.

    Of course, brick, I knew it all along ….. ;)

    ~ Chris Toger…… (Name shortened to preserve secret identity)

    February 4th, 2005 at 1:59 am

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