There are many benefits to being a herbivore. Not least of these is that once dead, your heart will still continue beating into the next century. This has something to do with eating fibre, though no one’s quite that clear on the whole thing. Another benefit is when everyone has strands of celery hanging from their teeth, no one really cares about it. In fact, herbivorous society as a whole cares less about hygiene than your average human, excepting of course information technology fanboys, who regard celery strands hanging from the teeth rather par for course. But I digress again.

Today I will be conducting an Interview With a Herbivore, one of what will I hope be a series of interviews with famous people, animals, and plants, not to mention society groups, that will continue long after my heart has stopped beating. To conduct this interview I sneaked into the middle of a group of herbivores using the pseudonym “Bob”, a newswriter for the Outdoor Life Network.

Bob: So what’s it like being a herbivore?

Herb: For the most part, tasty, though not without its side effects.

B: Side effects? Such as?

H: Methane, mostly. Different coloured stool, that sort of thing.

B: I don’t understand. Stool? Do you eat stools or something?

H: That’s disgusting. You could catch a disease doing that.

B: I know, so many people sitting on them.

H: Most people don’t sit on their stool.

B: What else would it be for? I sit on my stool. That’s why I bought it.

H: You bought a stool? Why didn’t you just go gather some from a field? Way easier.

B: Because I’ve never seen a stool grow in a field.

H: Of course not. It’s left there by animals.

B: Animals don’t have stools.

H: Any credible biologist would tell you animals have stools.

B: What would an animal use it for? It’s not like they need a stool or anything.

H: I’m pretty sure most animals don’t actually use the stool for anything. They just leave it behind in a field or something.

B: But why have stools in the first place if they’re just going to leave them in a field?

H: Because that’s the way animal biology works. They have stools, they leave them in the field. If they didn’t, they’d get bloated and explode.

B: So the stool is inside of them?

H: Of course, until they leave it in a field.

B: Why is there a stool inside of an animal? What does it look like?

H: It’s because of what they eat. And that last question is disgusting, okay? You obviously don’t know shit.

B: Is that the name of the animal with the stool?

H: [leaves the interviewing area]

I have since concluded that herbivores eat a lot of hallucinogenic substances. The conversation above makes no sense, and I provide no warrantee that any of you will understand it the way it is. If, however, you are a herbivore, I urge you to write and tell me what this all means. Animals with stools inside them, bursting or leaving the stool in a field: claptrap!

But until next time, stay clean, eat meat, and don’t forget: stools are for sitting, not for leaving in fields.

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