Things are bad. Real bad. There’s people all around that don’t care about the law, or about good American things like apple pie and rifles. There’s people that wants to take away our God-given right to protect our families with as many weapons as we deem necessary. There’s people out there, and I don’t know if they’s serving the aliens or the liberals or what, but they’re from the government, and they’re evil. Things’ve gone so far downhill that even the government is evil.

You may say that’s pretty dismal. Well it is. Because it’s a dismal world, full of bad things aiming to corrupt the children of this land and take away their guns. But the bad that you can see right away’s only half the story. There’s more evil than you can imagine below the surface. It’s lurking, waiting to steal your soul. I want to tell you about a few of them.

Rock and Roll - I was a hippie once. I saw what went on at concerts. I was at Woodstock, I think. That’s why I’m bald and paranoid. Anyways, rock and roll has destroyed this nation. It causes abortion, collisions on the highway, murder, and suicide. Look at when Curt Cobane killed himself with a pipe-wrench. All around the world, thousands of teenagers with greasy hair and flannel shirts picked up pipe-wrenches and killed themselves. The morgues were overloaded with bodies. That’s how bad it got. What’s about about rock is the beat. The beat is bad. Any music that has a beat is bad, and causes cancer. It causes cancer and tooth decay. Why do these “modern” musicians need a beat? Did Batehoven need a beat? Shopan? Bramms? That’s right. Their music was completely beatless, and without a beat. There was no syncopation, ande did you notice how there were no riots, civil unrest, teenage pregnancy, or national debt back then? Now you know. Keep your kids away from rock music. They may kill themselves, or worse, become Democrats.

Alcohol - It’s confirmed. Every third person in America is an alcoholic. They drink alcohol and have huge gin bellies to prove it. Everywhere you go are bars, saloons and other dens of iniquity. In bars and saloons and dens of iniquity, they serve alcohol, one of the greatest evils the world has ever know. Let me explain why. When people drink a lot of alcohol they get drunk. Getting drunk is bad, because when you’re drunk you might listen to rock music. Or dress up like Kiss. And if you can get drunk from booze, booze itself is bad, much like airliners are bad because they can blow up buildings. I don’t care if Jesus turned water into “wine”. That wasn’t wine. I’m a closet anthrplogist, I know these things. It was just grape juice. I know, because the wine we use at my church for communion is grape juice too. It wasn’t for nothing that Elijah said, “There’s a devil in that bottle, Beaver!” or something like that.

Hollywood - For every movie that comes out and is watchable, twenty-three more come out that feature at least one of these things:

• s-x,
• rock and roll,
• alcohol,
• smoking,
• not wearing seatbelts during chase scenes,
• rock and roll,
• people shaking “booty”,
• rock and roll,
• swearing,
• or rock and roll.

Some films even contain all of those things at once. multiple time. Hollywood has a pro-gay, pro-gay, pro-gay agenda, and is also pro-smoking pot, pro-euthenasio, and pro-ferrets. Is there anything these people aren’t against? That’s why Hollywood is evil, because it’s pro-pro. Being pro-pro is almost as evil as being gay.

Gay “People” - Being gay is like getting a “go straight to hell, do not pass GO” card from the Community Chest. I don’t need to explain this, except to say that male birds don’t have marital relations with other male birds.

Swearing - I can’t even walk down the street without seeing some ghetto kid in his ghetto gear talking the ghetto talk, saying f-this and f-that. Someone needs to learn these kids some English. Who cares what’s “cool”? Cool never mattered when I was a kid, because no one swore or listened to rock music. Cool is all about swearing. We shouldn’t call that sort of talk English. We should call it Curselish, a clever name I came up with all by myself. Then they’d feel like the fools they look like, these kids that can’t talk proper. This much I know: you drop out of high school and walk around swearing, you’ll never get a proper job, because you got no English skills. That’s what the world’s about.

And there you go. If we could only get rid of those little things, the culture would be fine. There would be no crime, no drunkenness, no rough talk, no disobedient children, and no aligators, just like back in the 1950s, when everything was nearly perfect, even the Democrats and Canada.

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