Just to get your mind off things like the US election, the Red Sox winning the world series, the war in Iraq, and David Hasselhof’s chest hair, I’ve assembled this fine collection of quotes for your consideration a la the Twilight Zone.

Steve: Why don’t more people ask me who they should marry?
Me: Maybe they don’t approve of your choice of women.
Steve: How is that possible? Every man wants to be me.
Me: Because you’re so amazing.
Steve: No, because of my wife.
Me: Oh, not your well-muscled physique then.

Me: So they’re drawn to eachother by the fact that they’re annoying… can you imagine the children?
Darryl: If anyone has annoying kids, the kids should be called “spawn”.

Annonymous: I picture that church as an imposing stone cathedral… you open the doors, and mist comes rolling out along the floor; a creepy organ is echoing off the walls; monks chant in the background; you tiptoe forward on the hallowed ground, suddenly realize you’re not wearing a suit, and you burst into flame.

Me: If I could find the people that made TestaMints, by all that is holy, I would take a whip and drive them out of the temple.

Me: If I had a relationship with a dog, all I’d have to do is feed her and rub her head a bit.
Becka: Sure.
Me: Oh, but I’d have to walk her, and groom her, and pay for the food, and pick up after her… this is much better.

Me: Did you know we’re out of half by threes?
Steve: Yes. I told Gary.
Me: Are they on order?
Steve: Along with one by sevens, a unicorn, and Santa Claus.

Me: I wonder if it would be more expensive to buy beef on a bun, or crap on a bun. I mean, you’d have to find a place to get it first, and there’s probably all sorts of sanitary rules that apply to crap on a bun.
Steve: Or you could just buy a hotdog.

Becka: Some guy calls me muffin.
Me: Is he perhaps… the muffin man?
Becka: He looks like a muffin.
Me: Maybe he’s just trying to get a rise out of you.
Jerry: Is he your sugar?
Me: Has he brought you flour?
Jerry: Does he have a lot of dough?
Me: Do you love him with every fibre of your being?
Jerry: You know, this could go on all night.
Me: It will, if you keep raisin the stakes.

Steve: Do you like the music of Queen.
Me: No.
Steve: But it’s timeless and classic.
Me: And you like it as much as you like the Village People.
Steve: That wasn’t nice.
Me: Well, not the the Village People.

Annonymous: That would be most kick-bum action sequence ever, if Yoda backflipped in with a lightsabre going, “In the house Yoda is!” and then later made out with Princess Laia.

Lisa: I’m at the dentist. I’m getting my bipolar bicuspid done.
Me: Bipolar isn’t a tooth! It’s a mental disorder!

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